Confessions

God's been speaking to me a lot the past couple of weeks, but I have struggled with what to write because everything seemed a little too personal.  It was personal, not in the sense that it was private... more that it was personal because it was touching so many raw nerves because I was in the wrong.  Accountability is such a necessity, especially among believers... but that doesn't mean we enjoy seeing our faults under a microscope.  Sometimes, we would really rather sweep them under the rug and pretend they don't exist...or is that just me?

I'm involved in a women's Bible study at my church.  We are currently doing Beth Moore's study called "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place."  It is a study about the Temple.  It sounded intriguing when I signed up, but I have to tell you... it has been a real struggle for me.  It is intriguing... but it is HARD.  The daily homework is difficult, and it requires a lot more time that the studies I've done in the past.  Not only that, but anything that could interfere with me getting the lessons completed, has.  First, Monkey had a nasty case of croup.  Then, due to his recent insistence on lots of kisses, and his failure to always close his mouth as he comes in for said kisses, resulted in me getting his hacking cough.  My hacking cough turned into a mild case of pneumonia.  By the time my antibiotics kicked in, he came down with yet another case of croup, albeit a milder one.  Now he's getting more teeth, and the snot abounds... as does the biting, and general crankiness of a teething toddler.  Snow days, sickness, exhaustion, doctor visits, technical difficulties with the video portion of the study...you name it, it has happened.  Homework got behind, messages got lost, and to be honest, I didn't even want to do the study any more.

Prior to last week's group session, I bit the bullet, and got my homework done.  I walked into the meeting room thinking I really hadn't taken away anything from all that work.  I didn't get it.  Studying the detailed instruction on how the temple was to be constructed, from the brazen altar, to the lampstand, to the basin, to the golden altar... it's good information to know... but what in the world was He trying to tell me?  I felt stupid, which is not a feeling I relish, and I just was ready to call it quits.  I prayed at the beginning of each session for God to speak to me through this study, just like I'm supposed to, and I just felt like He wasn't.  I haven't experienced such silence from Him, especially not when I'm studying His Word.  I have always walked away with something new, which, no matter how many times I've read certain scriptures, never ceases to amaze me.  What was the deal??

We had two video sessions that week, to make up for the technical difficulties of the week before.   Midway through the first session, it started to make sense just why so many of us seemed under attack throughout this study.  The lesson was on the symbolism behind the materials used within the temple.  The brazen alter was made of acacia wood, and then overlaid with bronze.  It is the alter where sin sacrifices were made.  As we spoke of the wood, the verses in John (and please forgive me, because my Bible is not next to me, and the actual verse escapes me) where we learn about branches being pruned were referenced.  He cuts away the branches that don't bear fruit, and they are thrown into the fire, but here's what I somehow missed before... he also prunes the branches that are bearing fruit, so they'll produce more good fruit.  I've probably read that verse a hundred times.  Beth Moore talked about how, as women, we will hold onto those branches till there are splinters in our hands, trying to keep them as they are... refusing to be pruned.  If we're producing fruit, then hey, leave those branches to me.  Why is it that we are so willing to let God have the stuff we don't want anymore, and so UNwilling to let Him have everything?  Is He sovereign, or isn't He?

I have a control issue, which I'm sure is shocking to everyone that knows me.  (That's sarcasm, people.)  I don't like to relinquish control to anyone, and sadly, that has included God.  I can go to God with the super big stuff. The stuff that no mere mortal can manage... that is all His.  I can lay those things at His feet, and have faith that He will manage it.  Why does it seem to take so much more faith to let Him have every other little bit, the good and the bad alike?  Why do I hesitate to talk to Him about the mundane detail of my every waking moment?  He knows the number of hairs on my head; do I really think I'm sneaking stuff past Him?  If I really believed His word, every part of it, I would be on my knees, broken before Him, every single chance I got.  Ouch.  The sin of prayerlessness... I know, and have always known that my prayer life is a huge part of my relationship with God.  The Bible says I should pray without ceasing, but did I ever acknowledge that not praying was a sin?  Did I ever confess that sin?  Have I ever looked at it in that light?  I know that I have a peace when my prayer life is as it should be, but did I ever realize that maybe it isn't about me?  That maybe it pains Him when I don't trust Him with the minutia of my life?  Don't get me wrong, being in communion with Him will always result in blessings, but if that if the only reason you're praying, well... you're missing the point.

I left last week broken, and needing to confess so many things to Him.  I was excited to get back to the homework, excited to hear what else He had to tell me.  Before I knew it though, I was right back in my rut.  Like the Israelites before me, I am a ssslllloooooooooooooooow learner.   I make the same mistakes over, and over, and over again.  Just to drive home the point, towards the end of this week's homework, (which I put off until right before our group meeting this morning) there was a lesson about Jesus being our intercessor.  He wants to intercede for us.  When I don't ask, He doesn't intercede.  Well, duh.  He wants to intercede for us... His death and resurrection was the final sacrifice, and His holiness is what allows us to speak directly to the Father, because His blood covers our sin.

My sin is great.  It is huge.  I have "been in the pit" as Beth Moore so often says.  Heck, I've dwelled there for giant portions of my life... but guess what?   I am forgiven, and not believing that He has forgiven me, despite my tremendous lack of worth, is a slap in the face to the Father.  What more does He have to do for me to get it, for me to have faith that what He promised, He fulfilled?  Trust me when I tell you, I have a lot to confess.  I have a lot to repent.  This will take some time, to go through all of this muck and lay it at the feet of the Savior.  I'd better start now... there's no time to waste.  Thank heavens for His grace.

One last thing... today we were talking about Moses, Aaron, and Hur.  During the battle with the Amalekites, as long as Moses' arms were holding up his staff, the people of Israel prevailed.  When he lowered his arms, the Amalekites would start to win.  Aaron and Hur helped hold up his arms when he grew weary so that the Israelites could win the battle.  God could have given Moses supernatural strength so that he could do it on his own... but that wasn't the point.  You need the support of your fellow believers.  One of the study questions was asking who our support was.  I am blessed to have a husband who holds me up.  I am blessed to have a family who supports me...even more blessed that they are a family that I wasn't born into, but have grafted me in much like Gentile believers have been grafted in to God's chosen people.  That being said, I have gained a new support system as I go through this study.  To the ladies I have come to love during this study, thank you for being my Aaron and Hur.  It has meant more than you could know.