Amelia Kay

I've been thinking a lot about Amelia the last few days.  I still miss her.  I still wonder what life would be like right now, with a two-month-old and my little Monkey, not to mention the other four.  I imagine she would have her daddy's brown eyes, and my smile.  I think she probably would have the same cute little curls her big brother has.  I still ache a little bit with her loss, but I also recognize that God has her with Him, and I will get to meet her some day.

The other day, a lovely woman from church that I hadn't seen in a while asked me how "that baby" was doing.  I assumed she was talking about Monkey.  I told her that he is now 19 months, and not a baby anymore.  I told her it was happening too fast for me, and that I wished it would slow down.  She frowned, and then shook her head.  She wanted to know about the baby.  It took my breath away.  I had to explain to her that we had lost the baby in June, over 6 months ago.  She apologized, and looked appropriately stricken.  I feel for her.  I didn't cry, but I was stunned about the sharp pain I felt.  I thought I was over the pain of it.

I struggled a lot with feeling guilty about mourning.  We are clearly blessed with many children.  They are, so far, very healthy.  I have many good friends and/or family members that have struggled with infertility for years.  I have always been able to sympathize, but you can never fully understand what they're feeling if you haven't dealt with it yourself.  How can I feel sad about my loss, when I have these beautiful children at home to be grateful for?  Aren't I telling my children that they're not sufficient for me?  Most importantly, aren't I telling God that He's not sufficient for me?  That's dangerous territory, isn't it?  I felt guilty about grieving, which in turn, made the grieving process even longer.  A very wise woman whom I have a great deal of respect for, and who also happens to have struggled with infertility for many years said something to me that I am still grateful for.  She basically told me that I'm allowed to feel whatever I feel.  I know that seems simplistic, and there was more to the conversation than that... but it helped me.  That was the turning point for me.  I was able to talk about things a little more freely, and I let myself be ok with being sad.  I continued to be in prayer, and have been doing much better.

In the past 2 months, two more families I know have suffered miscarriages.  The most recent one I just found out about this afternoon.  Hearing that news.... it makes my heart heavy.  It makes my eyes tear up, and I kind of want to curl up in a ball.

We have been trying to get pregnant again, so far, without success.  The first few months, it was devastating every time to learn we weren't pregnant.  After much prayer, a really great Bible study, and some bruising along the way, I have come to terms.  We may not have any more kids, and that is ok.  God has blessed us beyond measure.  I'm not sure what His plans for us are right now, at least not in that department.  His plans may not include any babies.  His plan may be for me to be a really great mom to the the kids we have already been blessed with.  I'm flexible.  I'm ready to roll.  I'm ready to listen to His still, small voice.

 Pr. 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but the counsel of the Lord will be established.


Rom. 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.


Phil. 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.